A Spring of Joy

The fatigue of radiation is beginning to wear. It’s not so much fatigue from the treatments, although I hear that is not far down the road. It’s the every day, every morning, same old yucky thing. It’s easy for me to get into the mindset that there is nothing to look forward to, because the darkness of radiation clouds each day. Add extra doctors appointments, Procrit shots, and labwork, and each week I’m at the Cancer Center 8-10 times. Trust me, it gets old. I think the hardest part about each day is saying goodbye to my sweet ones at home. Thursday I left before they did. I arrived home for an hour break between appointments, and when I walked in the door, the silence was deafening. So I leaned against the door, sat down on the floor and cried.

My mom went with me to my appointment that day, and afterward we shopped for a few minutes then picked up lunch to eat at home. It was so good to just be with Mom. We talked about life. Future plans. Stuff she’s going through. Stuff other than cancer. I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it often enough. My mom is amazing. She takes care of all the things I can not and she never complains. Orchestrating the strained melodies of our life without hesitation, she cares abundantly for the children and me.

I woke this afternoon to the tune of boisterous voices, and came downstairs to greet my excited little ones. They had been to the Dollar Store! Not to mention Mom and I had found some great clearance deals on clothes for them, so they were thrilled. At one point, Mom pulled out an adorable green romper she bought for Audrey’s summer fun.

“Here, Micah,” she teased, “Here’s what Grandma bought for you.”

Micah shook his head, laughing, “Nooooo, Gwamma! Dat’s for Audweee.” (Have I ever mentioned how much I’m going to miss it when Micah’s childish lisps are gone?)

Micah grabbed the romper from Mom’s hand and showed it to his sister. “Look, Audwee, dis is for you. Do you like it? It’s free.”

The new shoes that Grandma bought him were a big hit, and he walked around with his new Dollar Store bow and arrow saying, “Mom, I’m the best superhero in the whole world with awesome shoes.” Life is so easy for Bear. I love his simplicity and his freedom and his gift for making me laugh.

So laughter reigned in our home for the rest of the afternoon. Donning my “Super Mom” costume, I sat on the floor and played Uno with Asher while playing Old Maid with Micah and reading to Audrey. Yes, it was all at the same time, and yes it was very confusing, especially for my chemo brain, but it was well worth it. I have missed playing with my children so much, and what a joy it was to have such bright spots in my day even when I am struggling.

And what a deeper joy that those bright spots weren’t from radiation! Thank you, God, for my three amazing gifts.