A Spring of Joy

That’s what our friend, Tim, accused me of when he poked his head in my hospital room yesterday, grinning, and spouting, “You did this on purpose didn’t you?” Admittedly, I had the tv on and the basketball games were playing, but trust me, I don’t plan to stay here until the April championship game!

Yes, it’s Friday and I’m still here. The redness on my rash is finally diminishing, and I’m not taking dilaudid for pain any more, just extra strength tylenol, but I am still nauseated from the antibiotics. My blood work isn’t where they want it to be, though, and I’ll see the doctor this afternoon or early evening to see where we go from here. I’d like to go home.

This morning finds me feeling much better… and cleaner. The nurse brought a bottle of baby shampoo from the peds floor so I could wash my hair in the sink, and my sheets are all fresh and clean, so I feel like a new woman. I even put some mascara on (that’s for you, Natalie!). Yesterday I had quite a few visitors which cheered me up immensely, and Sarah spent 6 hours with me. Yep. Six hours. And it still wasn’t enough time together to catch up on life and share our hearts. It was so good for my soul.

The boredom is starting to kick in. I have books and movies and journaling, but after a while this room feels really small, and the dance I have to do with the IV pole and all my tubes every time I get up is getting old. Of course I could watch Coumadin Therapy and You on channel 52 at 1:30. Oh, but wait, basketball is on.. too bad.

It is hard to be away from my family. Asher had his Cub Scouts Derby car race yesterday, and I watched through Facebook as Bri uploaded pictures of my sweet boy. I was supposed to be there, to watch, to cheer him on, to show him how proud of him I was. And we had a date to watch basketball together and see how we did with our picks. I am missing our time. And he is missing his alone time, struggling for time to read and write in his journal. Yes, my Asher is like me in so many ways.

The children are all on edge and much weepier. Bear falls apart at the drop of a hat and they are all tired of moving from place to place and home to home. I did get to snuggle with my sweet Bella for a bit this morning. Bri brought her in once he’d dropped the boys off at school and she climbed right up in bed with me. It felt so good to hold her in my arms, but it was far too short.

We are ready for this to end. I want to be outside in this gorgeous weather playing with my kids, or even just watching them play. Spring starts tomorrow and our annual grilling steaks ritual is in jeopardy, and I am all about my traditions!

It’s another letting go, holding life loosely and breathing in faith, trusting He knows best for me… for us. Honestly, I feel like my fingernails are ripping out, like the clinging is getting weaker and my grip is loosening… my grip on Him, on life, on my sanity. The fatigue overwhelms.

It is times like these that I am immensely thankful for truth… that He will never let go of me. The when I am faithless He is faithful.

He is here.

In my room.

With me.

Never leaving.

I need to know that today.

And I need to know where my nurse is… time for more tylenol… and oh, look, At Home With Lovenox is on at 11:00.