Tomorrow looms.
My surgery is at 10:00. We will go into the hospital at 9:00. I will be in the hospital 3-5 days.
I am scared. Questions constantly reel through my mind. I fear for my children, for Brian. I fear that they’ll find the cancer much worse than they think it is. It is all so big and scary. Dear Bear prayed tonight for me, “Dear Father, thank you for my Mommy. Please don’t let her die.” Y’all this is the fear that hovers over us… and my heart breaks for my dear little ones.
A few weeks ago my glasses broke. Split right down the middle, so I duct taped them back together because I must have them to drive. (Yes, I duct taped my glasses. Yes, Brian made fun of me. Yes, it was hilarious.)
I bought new ones.
I love my new glasses.
I can’t find my new glasses.
I have searched up and down and all around.
You know what else I can’t find?
The car keys.
We’ve been using the spare van key for 2 days now.
Today was exhausting. Each day is, really. I wake and wonder how on earth I will do all that I want or need to do, and by the end of the day I’ve only done a bit of it, and I wonder how I’ll get up the next day and keep pushing forward.
It’s an awkward place I’m in.. this waiting place before surgery, because part of me wants it here tomorrow and part of me wants it to never come. We are packing our week full of summer fun, trying to catch all the time together we can before our lives change yet again in the whirlwind that cancer is.
She sat beside me this morning on the swing and we raised our arms high, signing “I love you” to Brian as he drove off to work in his Chevy truck (please pronounce that with a hard “ch” not the soft “sh”. That’s what Brian does to make me laugh, and if y’all feel anything like me these days, you need a laugh). “Double love!” Bella shouted as he drove away, “No, love FOUR times!” Then she curled into me and whispered, “Daddy. I just want Daddy here, too.” We are all feeling it, this need to be together. To grab every moment.
This morning, I stood at my kitchen sink and stared unfocused out the window at the dewy yard. I couldn’t see the ragged canes of our black raspberry patch straggling through the yard, because yesterday morning some of our former youth and college kids came with their father and cleaned it all up for us. I thought for a moment about what an incredible blessing it was, how humbled we are to be loved so much.