A Spring of Joy

“Are you done now?”

This is the question that is thrust at me almost every time I am out and about. A question I’m never quite sure how to answer, because I don’t want to just mercilessly throw back what’s on the tip of my tongue.

“I’m never going to be done.”

Even if I live for 50 more years, I will always be tested and watched and poked and prodded. I am always going to carry the emotional burden of grief, of unfulfilled dreams, of pain and fear. There will be nights when I can’t sleep, days (like today) when my body is weak, and I will struggle with pain that is like the ocean. It comes in waves and it is wider than we can grasp, deeper than we can fathom, and it is always there.

Some of you will look at this and think, “BANG!”

Others will cry, “Mother? Mother?” like Bambi in an attempt to make me cry yet again over a movie I’ve watched a hundred times.

I; however, love the fact that I can wake up on crisp, fall mornings, as tendrils of fog swirl around the trees, slip out onto my deck to breathe it all in, and see this.

Some random thoughts, stories, musings and catching up, because life has been so busy.

1. The boys went on a camping trip with Brian and Asher’s school last Friday. The days leading up to it were exciting as they discussed sleeping bags and tents and made Bella cry every time they talked about it because she couldn’t go. Every day Bear would ask me if the camping trip was tomorrow. Finally on Thursday, I was able to say, “Yes, Bear, you’ll go camping tomorrow.” Friday dawned crisp and cool. Bear emerged from his nightly hibernation, rubbing his eyes, and shuffled over to lean against my leg, little green blankie in tow. “Mom,” he looked up, sleepy green eyes filled with excitement, “Today is tomorrow.” Oh, how I love that bear!

As Winnie-The-Pooh would say…

“Time for hot chocolatey mornings, toasty marshmallow evenings, and best of all for leaping in leaves!”

Happy Fall everyone!

Why is it that The Fight Song never gets old?

JMU 52, UMass 38

I was at a bagel shop meeting with my discipler, Angie P., when friends told us what had happened. Pregnant with our oldest child, I couldn’t fathom the disaster of 9/11. I can still feel his little body moving underneath my hand, a hand that automatically rose to my belly when I heard of the horror of that day. I marvel that it’s been seven years, yet it still seems so fresh, so real. And I draw my children a little closer into my arms again today to remember. And I pray for those whose scars will always be fresh and real.

“Have you been outside?”

“Yep. Go outside.”

I opened the front door and stood on the little porch outside my apartment. “Okay. I’m outside. Now why am I out here?”

“Because, it’s so gorgeous that I knew once you went outside you’d say, ‘I have to go on a picnic with Brian.’”

And that, my friends, in all its cheesy glory, is how it all began.

I have a strong-willed child. A very strong-willed child. He has my stubbornness and Bri’s determination all wrapped up into one package. A mixture of Italian and Irish, he is full of passion, with his die-hard relentlessness and headstrong impetuousness. Almost daily we have battles as his fiery temper flares when his independence is thwarted. And I am tired.

At the height of World War II, they married. He went off to war. She stayed home pregnant with their first child. He was wounded and captured in the war but rescued days later. And he was one of the ones who got to return home to his wife and family. Imagine how much the world has changed since then. Imagine all they’ve walked through and shared together. Imagine all they’ve seen–in 65 years!!!

My grandparents have lived and loved well! Happy Anniversary Nan & Pappy!

I write often about the one year marks… finding out I had cancer, the date of my surgery, etc. But I would be remiss to only mark the anniversaries of the hard things.

One year ago today we received the news that my cancer had not spread to any of my organs and that I had been given the all clear! By His gracious mercy, that all clear continues today.

Last year many of you celebrated with us, and I continue to be awestruck at how God has shown Himself in every detail of my life.