“Sadness does not equal unbelief. There are things that can & should break our hearts & make us sad. It’s called lament &, throughout the pages of scripture, there seems to be an awful lot of it. When I see glimpses of God’s goodness amidst the sadness, I can stare directly into the sadness & yet worship. Lament is a kind of worship that says, ‘This is wrong, but I know You are good.’” (~Nancy Franson)
Sweet friends, they found a mass in my colon, and it is cancer.
Our cries of lament continue.
These summer night have found us unable to sleep. The moon’s rising at late hours keeps the children awake as long as there is light. But it is more than that. Fear for each of them. Different fears, but they all have them and they whisper them to me at bedtime as I pray with them.
“Will you pray that lightning doesn’t strike our house?”
“Will you pray we won’t be hit with a big wave?”
“Will you pray we won’t have a flood and our house get washed away?”
Those were the words I barely choked out yesterday morning on the phone with my Brian.
My cell phone rang earlier in the morning, and I saw the number for my endocrinologist. I stood there. Frozen. And immediately nauseous.
“If I pick that up and answer it, the waiting will be over.”
“If I pick that up and answer it, I will know if there’s a recurrence or not.”
“If I pick that up and answer it, my world could crumple again.”
The ringing seemed to take on an insistent tone.
This morning the boys and I spent some time in Psalm 103 together making lists of reasons to praise God. It was beautiful to see their eyes light up with each attribute they found in the psalm and then to rejoice together in prayer for all that God is.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
And do not forget how kind He is.
The prayers that many of you offered brought great peace last night and this morning as I made my way to the doctor’s office, knowing the choice we had made. Bri and I decided that we would take the step of faith and risk the injections not being covered to save our family months of emotional upheaval.
“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5)
It is easy for me to immediately go to others when I am faced with a dilemma, small or large. How often I forget that going to God first in all things is not only giving Him the proper place in my life, but it’s also acknowledging that He is the source of all wisdom. I’m thankful for my parents, for my close friends, for my pastors to whom I can go with questions, but I long to make a habit of God first in all things.