At least I hope I have some answers.
My last health update post was, I realize, rather ambiguous. Or at least party ambiguous. Mostly because it was all pretty ambiguous to me, too.
So.
Prepare yourself for a rather tedious and boring update with some big words and lots of “I don’t know’s” and a hefty dose of discouragement… Now aren’t y’all just dying to read more?
As for info–here’s what I have for ya:
Overwhelmed.
It’s an understatement for my emotional well-being recently.
On the one hand I’m overwhelmed by how well I have been feeling physically. Then I get overwhelmed by all that I want to do because I feel better physically. Then I get overwhelmed by all that’s on my plate because even though I feel better physically, I still tire twice as quickly as I once did. Then I can’t get all that’s on my plate done, and I feel overwhelmed by all that’s still on my plate.
Recently, I had someone ask me how I am doing and where we are going from here with my follow-ups, and I realize I didn’t write about the results of my recent scans… will you forgive how late this is? So many of you have been praying, and I never want you to think your love and prayers aren’t important to me.
At the end of the day my exhaustion and pain often overwhelm, and it is rare for me to find time to write anymore. I hate this feeling. My words seem stolen from me, and the catharsis they once were is gone. It is one more thing the struggle of life has taken from me, and I ache with the longing for words to come.
“One of the most important lessons I have learned over the past few years is how important it is to have time and space for being with what’s real in my life — to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed my tears, sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness.”
Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms
There is so much I want to say, so many joys to express, so much grief to share, so many tears to weep, so many questions to ask, and occasionally there is anger in it all, and often there is this burning loneliness knowing I am the only one who fully bears and understands all I walk through. I am learning to accept it all, to sit with it all, to be real with it all…
I want to write about Bella Girl being a flower girl this weekend and how lovely it all was. I want to write about how today is our two year anniversary for our house and how grateful we are. I want to write about how wonderful my parents are, staying with us and caring for us. I want to write about how blown away we are by all the love and cards and books and gifts and encouragement from you…
But instead, y’all, I am writing to tell you of more setbacks.