Recently, I had someone ask me how I am doing and where we are going from here with my follow-ups, and I realize I didn’t write about the results of my recent scans… will you forgive how late this is? So many of you have been praying, and I never want you to think your love and prayers aren’t important to me.

At the end of the day my exhaustion and pain often overwhelm, and it is rare for me to find time to write anymore. I hate this feeling. My words seem stolen from me, and the catharsis they once were is gone. It is one more thing the struggle of life has taken from me, and I ache with the longing for words to come.  Read more... (858 words, 2 images, estimated 3:26 mins reading time)

“One of the most important lessons I have learned over the past few years is how important it is to have time and space for being with what’s real in my life — to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed my tears, sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness.”

Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

There is so much I want to say, so many joys to express, so much grief to share, so many tears to weep, so many questions to ask, and occasionally there is anger in it all, and often there is this burning loneliness knowing I am the only one who fully bears and understands all I walk through. I am learning to accept it all, to sit with it all, to be real with it all…  Read more... (969 words, estimated 3:53 mins reading time)

“We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
(~C. S. Lewis)

The sobs came uncontrolled last night as I pounded the couch with my fist. “I hate it.” I cried to Brian. “I hate cancer. HATE IT. I hate what it’s done to me, to us, to our children.”

We had just decided to pull our kids from Vacation Bible School because there is sickness rampant throughout the group, and I can’t risk them getting sick and getting me sick. We were doing what’s best, but it didn’t feel best. It felt awful, and I couldn’t bear the thought of my children’s faces when we told them. The disappointment. The tears.  Read more... (662 words, estimated 2:39 mins reading time)