A Spring of Joy

This has been a week of introspection and reflection, and God has continually placed Psalm 118 in my heart. As I’ve waited and then danced with the news of His watchcare, it is the first and last verse of this psalm that He’s applying to my heart like a soothing balm. “Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.” Gratitude. My theme once again. His love is timeless. And it is because of His love that I will live eternally. No matter what I may run, skip, dance, walk, trudge or labor through in this life, I have His love and His promise of forever and ever with Him. And on the days when all I can do is stand still and question if I can go on, by His grace I will move forward, and I will endure to the end, an end which is really only the beginning of my forever with Him.

God is teaching me more and more about seeing the beauty in each day, in each moment. Looking for opportunities to see God’s hand all around me. As I have viewed this world I travel through with new eyes, I’ve begun writing everything down. My daily moments of gratitude, and it has changed how I view life, others, myself, and God. Gratitude is healing and beauty and refreshment. God is waking me every day to Himself.

Today at lunch I was reading the story of Noah to my children. We talked about how the first thing Noah did after he exited the ark was to build an altar of thanksgiving to God for His goodness. The boys began listing all the things that God had given us as we talked about how good He is. “Our house, my brother, my sister, our toys, our lunch, the trees…” all bubbled up and out as the they tried to outdo each other with rejoicing in God’s blessings.

So, this whole “going back to being a mom full-time” after months of other people caring for my children while I recovered? Not so sure I’m ready. I totally want to be ready. In my mind I am ready. My body gives out on me about halfway through the day, but if I can get a nap (that’s a big if!), then I can continue. I think the question is, “Am I mentally ready?” Perhaps it’s because my children are crazy! Crazy fun. But also just plain crazy.

This week has been a week of fatigue, pain and fear for me. I have felt restless and anxious. I have struggled through some of the same “what if…?” moments that plagued me months ago. I have had nowhere else to go but Jesus. To whom else would I run? Who else can give me the comfort I need?

This morning dawned drizzly and dreary and seemed to match my mood. Bri and I had to be over the mountain at the hospital by 8:00 and y’all know what a morning person he is, so you can imagine how thrilled he was when the alarm woke us this morning. I have been suffering from a cold and spent the night coughing rather than sleeping, so I curled up in our heated seats and listened to the droning of NPR for an hour while we drove through fog so thick you could only see 2 feet in front of you. Although I am prone to exaggeration, that is not one. I actually heard them say it on the radio.

I love reading other blogs, especially of people I don’t know. It’s like curling up with a good book. I especially like ones that make me think. I read this post today by Melanie at This A’int New York, and if you have a daughter or granddaughter or know someone who has daughters, I highly recommend you read it. My favorite parts?

There are six-year-old girls playing with dolls that look like street walkers and street walkers gaining fame from governors.

Young girls all over this country are cruising down a path of destruction and their mothers are driving them there in their minivans.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about where I am with treatment. What’s happening in my life? How am I feeling? So consider this my attempt to answer your questions… my deep-dark secrets will be revealed, all the things you ever wanted to know about me, those frequently asked question about who I am. My dorky life in middle and high school. My 80’s hair. The WAHM club. Well, no, not really. But if you have a question (about my health update, because I refuse to touch the 80’s) that I don’t answer, feel free to leave a comment and ask me.

Hello there my bloggy friends. It’s that time again, and I truly need today to collect my thoughts and focus even more on worship and how my heart has ached for my Lord this week. It has been a tumultuous and painful week for me, and I have needed to cling to God as my deliverer. I am realizing more and more how worship is a daily discipline. It is such an integral part of my life and my daily relationship with God.

I had an “Oh my stars! I had cancer!” moment today, and there is a heaviness that lingers. It’s hard to even explain all the things that flit through my mind during these times. The memories of the fears wash over me, the joy of God’s strength in this trial, the overwhelming encouragement of our friends and family, the pain of change, the peace of trust.