Asher and I play a lot of games. Memory games. Board games. Guessing games. But he especially loves card games. War. Go Fish. Old Maid. Solitaire. Growing up I always had a gift when it came to games of chance. I won. That was my gift. As long as there was a spinner or a guesser or something to keep it from being strategic, I would win. And it drove my older brother crazy. (I bet it still does.)
Last month I spent 9 days in the hospital with an infection. Every few hours my vitals were checked, and my temperature hovered close to but not quite normal. One day the nurse came in, thrust the thermometer into my mouth, waited for the eight second beep, and said, “There you go, point three degrees from normal.”
Asher’s sixth birthday wasn’t at all what he had imagined it would be. He spent weeks chattering about his big day and how he couldn’t wait to be six. About two months ago, Ash decided that he wanted a kiwi cake for his birthday. Yes, a kiwi cake. Kiwi is my son’s favorite fruit, along with strawberries, and since he had a strawberry cake last year, this year he wanted a kiwi cake. Last year he also had a longneck shaped cake, so this year he wanted a three-horn. Not to mention his list of 2,145 people he wanted to invite over.
Yesterday was my last chemotherapy treatment. Just writing that seems surreal. I’ve been asked over and over how I feel, and the answer to that is, “I don’t know.” I keep expecting this euphoria to set in, this sense of freedom and extreme elation, but I remain almost unemotional. Almost. I am truly joyful this is over, and I am excited for my future. Yet at the same time, I am fully overwhelmed, and when I am overwhelmed, I think.
Brian and I went out for lunch today. Yes, I said it. OUT for lunch. It felt so good to be out and about and feel like part of the living again. Although the air was frigid, I wanted to stand and breathe it in, soak in the sunshine, and wallow in my freedom, well, at least until I was too cold to move. Then I jumped into our van and relished our heated seats. We found ourselves trying out the new delicacies at Tutti Gusti’s which was having its grand opening. (My zagat rating: Neat little place. Fresh decor. Good but not great Italian. Minimal cost.)